Cat Attack
This morning I got attacked by a cat. a horrid ugly smelly nappy nasty homeless cat. He came running up to me meowing loud and breathing heavy. Grossed me out. So I kind of strolled out of my way as to not cross paths with the mangy thing. Cat ran to me and started hissing. Cat’s back was arched and he was all up in my business. Still hissing. I attempted to shoe cat away with my foot and that little action set the thing off. Cat started clawing at me and jumping around and more meowing and swinging its mitts at me. I ran inside, did what I had to do, and headed back out…the cat was sitting there waiting for me. not kidding. I walked out of my way around it and it followed me, hissing and clawing and scratching and attacking me full force. In fact, it’s clawed and ripped my pant leg. I don’t like cats in the first place, so this one was really on my nerves. As I fumbled for my keys I snapped this little gem of the beast ruining my pants:
I do not like cats. There, I said it.
My First Sunburn
Its happened. In my 23+ years of existence, I have finally joined the rest of you. I have now, for the first time ever, utterly burned the shat out of my body. Its quite absurd actually.
Now, I have officially cooked and lobstered myself. And I must say, this is one of the most painful things my skin has ever been forced to sit through.
This is an entirely new process for me. I do not know what to expect with an actual sun burn. I got some suggested Aloe and let me tell you- that is the most amazing feeling on za planet! It IS like hand sanitizer for the body, and I want a bathtub of it that I can just lay down in.
I don’t want it to peel, but I was just told I’ve been “cooked and it’s coming off like original recipe off a thigh at KFC.” I don’t even know what that is, but that is disgusting and horrifying. I am going to do everything in my power to prevent any part of my body resembling something from a fast food joint.
Give me some more Motrin, some more beer, some baggy clothes and some aloe!
No, thats not a white tanktop you see…
I feel like I could fry an egg on my chest!
…but it was TOTALLY worth it. Super fun weekend in the sun. Lesson learned: Sun Screen is your friend, even if you don’t ever sunburn.
The Filing Cabinet Incident
A week ago today a filing cabinet fell completely over onto me, crushing my body beneith its massive weight. This is the photo that was taken that day of the incident. (I cant believe I forgot to post this!) 
Carma
You.
YOU know who you are.
Maybe I don’t, and maybe I won’t…
but you know who you are.
You drug a key from the middle of the hood, down the left side all the way through the driver side door, ending a little less than half way through the back seat driver’s side door. And drug is an understatement, for the majority of what you did was dig off the layers of paint in a not even straight line down the body of my car.
OH, lets not forget the crack you put in my windshield.
BAD CARma .. coming your way.
I’ll bail you out
I always leave my phone ringer on at night, in case of an emergency. This one particular night, it was an emergency.
2:14 am on a Thursday my phone starts loudly informing me that someone from an anonymous number needs something. With my eyes still shut I grab the thing, flip it open and groggily utter “hello?!…”
“You have received a Collect Call from the Ada County Jail from…Michelle XXXX… Press 1 to accept the charges. Press 2 to decline”
My eyes pop right open. Obviously I press 1, this is my good friend on the other line.
….long pause. (some beeping). Long pause…
“Karlee?! Its Shelly…” All I can hear is crying. No, crying is an understatement. All I can hear is bawling.
“Shelly, what is going on?!”
“I got pulled over and arrested for Drinking and Driving.” (more sobs.) “I got a DUI! You know I can’t call my parents…”
This is true, I know she can’t. “WHAT?! When? Just now?!” (duh Karlee, duh)
“Yes, just now! They are giving me the option to have someone come bail me out so I don’t have to stay the night. Karlee, please?! can you PLEASE come bail me out? I have the money, I will pay you back I SWEAR… just don’t make me stay here.”
“Alright Shelly, I am coming. Tell me how much and where to go.” -As my friend is giving me the details, I am *quickly* getting dressed, finding shoes, keys, and running to my car. I jump in while on the phone with her and continue to get details of what I need to do in this process. This is, of course, my first time bailing a friend out of jail in the middle of the night. About 5 minutes into the drive, just as I am about to tell her I will see her in a minute and it will all be ok, I hear a little TINY giggle.
A giggle?!
“F* off Shelly!” I hang up the phone. Turn around. Head home. Immediately upon hanging up my phone is ringing again. I don’t need to answer though, I know what the voicemail is going to say:
2:14am: 4/1: = Best April Fools Prank EVER.
touche my friend, touche. Nothing has even come close to topping that. I was in it hook, line, and sinker. I pressed 1 on my cell phone and everything. touche.
Big Pink Pills
I get migraines. I am sure this is not new news for some of you, but I get huge, gnarly, beast-of-them-all migraines. So bad that I get dizzy, throw up, can’t see.. and all that jazz. Needless to say, I have a hefty dose prescription of a little narcotic that I take when I get them to knock myself out and hopefully wake up feeling decent. I always refer to said medication as the “Big Pink Pills”. This name is based from the obvious- they are big pink pills.
When I take the pink pills, generally it knocks me out cold for 8+ hours. I mean cold like you might have to carry me if there is a fire because I cant wake up. This is as much a blessing as it’s not. Here’s why:
Last summer I had the mama of all migraines. It was probably 2pm a lovely, sunny Saturday afternoon. My ever so wonderful roommate-at-the-time, Kyle, is a good caretaker. Seeing my pain he set me up on the couch, cup of tea, Big pink pills, and a movie. I popped the suckers in, and about 10 minutes later looking from Kyle to the TV was like a watercolor painting. Blurry, liquidy, messy slow motion life.
…Next thing I know I hear a loud SLAM! I open my eyes and I can not see a thing. Its pitch black and so immediately I try to sit up and move my arms and I am stuck.. Tied down. Arms tied, legs tied, and pinned down. Immediately I start to freak out. Then a giant shadow leans over me, and instantly I knew what happened. I had been kidnapped, and this man was going to kill me. I start screaming and crying and fight to free my hands so I can start punching and slapping. And let me tell you… I am. I am doing everything in my panic-filled power to beat the Shit out of my captivator. Holding me down by my shoulders, I finally tune into the words coming out of the scary man’s mouth:
“Karlee! Karlee calm down! Karlee, its me! Its KYLE!!!”
…What the Hell?! I just break down into tears. I was not kidnapped. I was not tied down. I was on my flippin’ couch.
My dear friend had seen me fall asleep and tucked me in- blanket tucked so tight into me and into the couch that I felt like I was restrained. I had punched and slapped and screamed at Kyle, doing what he does best- be a nice care-takerie friend. And 8 or 9 hours later, it had turned to pitch black night-hence why I could not see. Oh man.
Thank heavens Kyle understood. More so he just laughed it off, as did I once my wits were about me. And now, I try to go straight to my bedroom if I have to take the big pink pills. Boy, when they tell you that they work, they are not pulling you leg.
Karlee and Kyle
Read This: Soooo Important
(this came to my email again the other day and I thought I would share. Never fails to make me laugh)
READ THIS:: SOOOOOOO IMPORTANT- YOUR LIFE WILL END IF YOU DO NOT READ THIS NOW!!!
Hi, you probably do not know me, but I exist.
I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion freaking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
And…
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000?
Ooooh, lookyhere! If you scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2050, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being and not use it for drugs, alcohol, or hookers” forwards about 90 times. Use some intelligence and see that what you send is real.
Because we all know that you have to have the fastest fingers in the world to send something to 30,000 people in 30.12547 seconds, and if you do not you will lose your dominant hand in a freak accident involving your printer and a bucket of paint thinner in the next 3 days.
Just so you know and can keep tabs:
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1
(scroll down)
* Make a wish!!!
* No, really, go on and make one!!!
* Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!
* Wish something else!!!
* Not that, you pervert!!
* Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn’t that fun? 
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones,
THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, no willy, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Willyless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.
So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then.
So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your closest friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of arseholes, A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself, A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life, A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you are the most conceited person they know and that you should be thrown to vicious dogs. A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… – no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady. A friend is someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again. The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to cast you to hell for not sending it, then its probably true so you better do it fast.
If it’s funny, send it on.
Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?
~anonymous
I’m swatching over
I am contemplating swatching over from good ‘ol blogspotty blogger and starting using the big, bad wordpress site. First, I must say I think I will ike the stats part. I already dislike how different it is and so I might have to re-learn someting I feel like I was just starting to get the hang of. I don’t like how complicated it seems to be to follow other blogs on either site, so its a dead even game. … what to do, what to do. I also like they overall layout and there are more options with wordpress-(check) but, I cant seem to make changes save AND blogger is simple, therefore user friendly. (This leaves us two points each.)
I do see an avaliable option for me to get some/part of my childrens books I am working on out here for feedback and viewing pleasure. I could not find a good way with blogger.
I think I made up my mind. I would appreciate all you who followed me previously to join the bandwagon again, and those of you who were not, stick with me. I think I placed a button on the side of this page for that reason. …I guess I need to get to work.
