TRUTH #1) Peeps do NOT puff back up to their origional shape if you crush them with your car. When I heard that they would, I tested this theory to the max. I bought Every color, every shape, every produced date and expiration date possible. I did this all correctly: I ran over them by color, changing speed, changing the internal peep temperature… I changed variables correctly and documented the results. RESULT: all peeps just crush flat and don’t puff back up. They dont even TRY to puff back up. False, false, false. (side note: if you are wondering what I then did with all the crushed peeps- I filled a friend’s mailbox with them. seemed the right thing to do)

TRUTH #2) Peeps are disgusting. aaand, if you don’t like them one bit, they are even more disgusting when you spend $100 on them.

As per usual, I went to take my little Roxy outside to go to the bathroom before I head out to work. Also as usual, she ran down the stairs to wait at the bottom. Not as usual, upon reaching the bottom she bolted away. Completely took off. What the hell?!  I took off down the stairs too, because she took off toward the street. I see her tearing around the corner, chasing something massive.

Next thing I know, she comes  tearing back toward me. You  know that look of “oh shit oh shit oh shit”… yep, Roxy was haulin’  back to me with that exact look plastered all over her face. And that massive thing?!… right bend her. The biggest freaking raccoon I have ever seen was now chasing her!

This exact moment is when I put on the “oh shit oh shit oh shit” face. The raccoon is huge! And chasing my dog right toward me! I call Roxy so we can make for the stairs but Roxy runs right into a big bush. The raccoon then sees massive-human me and (thank GOD) takes off the other direction. I then begin to motion towards the dog to get her out of the bushes and she leaps right out and spits a little somethin’ special right onto my feet. That little somethin’ = squirrel carcass. Let me elaborate for a moment here: Big, full size, bloody, skin and skull only squirrel carcass. Still looked exactly like a squirrel, minus all the insides…Right. On to. my. Feet. (insert gag here)

I’m going out on a limb here saying that Roxy must have taken the raccoon’s breakfast, hence the raccoon chasing her for it back (or revenge and death- raccoons are nasty, I wouldn’t be surprised) and as payment for saving her life,  Roxy then gifted me the squirrel carcass. Peachy.

Remarkably grossed out, I find a stick and take the squirrel skin & remains to the dumpster. Between all this and then needing to clean my shoes, I was late for work. Hell of a morning.

If you have not seen this, you need to check it out immediately.

Typewriter and Adding Machine-

I bid you adieu.

I have hardly touched you since I got this job, and its time we part and I teach everyone else how to live with out you as well.

You will not be missed.

Love, Karlee.

A) we were about the only team in street clothes (damn my not suitable for spandex body)  and

B) My aunt and myself were the ONLY TWO people with cruiser bikes. Thats right, our 2 bikes alone weighed more than half the other bikes combined.

Oh well, we are in this. Not in it to win it so much, but in it to finish and not finish last.  In total we ended up biking 27+ miles (not easy biking either, mind you- you have to take their route and its not flat roads, grueling 90 something degree biking) and 9 challenge events.  Here were the challenges:

BRONCO BUSTER: Relay form at BSU- 1 team member crab walks 50 yards, next lunges 50 yards (*me), next ‘high-knees’ for 50 yards, and then 2 team members wheel-barrow for 50 yards. CHECK. puzzle piece and biking…

FLOAT YOUR BOAT: Park center pond. All team members jump into raft, raft across pond. 1 team member (*me) blind folded and has to catch a fish in a cup. ridiculously difficult. CHECK. back to biking…

DEAD EYE: Foothills up Reserve, behind Fort Boise baseball fields. 1 team member has 3 shots to nail target, other team members retrieve arrows. This is where I had REDBULLS #1 and #2. CHECK. puzzle piece and continue biking to…

WHOOP IT UP: Downtown Boise, near Grove. Consecutively each team member has to make their baseketball shot. 1 person misses, if the following team member can’t make it and their shot as well, no puzzle piece. CHECK. Hop  on the cruiser again.

STAR POWER: Located outside Happy Fish and Ha Penny in Bodo. Must pass an intermediate song in Rockband. The line was a little built up here, so in the waiting process I had REDBULL #3 and Mimosa #1 and #2. We Rockband it up and CHECK. moving on.

GET YOU BASQUE ON: Outside Gernika. Team member must eat whole bowl of Spicy Tongue. CHECK. Kind of loosing steam, but moving on…

WE’RE SMOKIN’ NOW: Located out 27th and Shoreline- at the Firefighter Practice place. We put on the firefighter clothing (HOLY SWEATY) and in Relay form: Team member 1: runs up 4 flights of stairs, pulls up a rope holding a 50lb hose, runs back down and tags team member #2: holds 70lb rolled up hose on shoulder and runs it through cones. #3 takes a mallet and moves a 160lb piece of steel 5 feet and tags team member #4 (*me): lugs 6’2″, 170lb dead weight man 30 ft to ‘safety’. This was the most difficult thing I did. Maybe ever.  I even dropped the sucker. CHECK- get me out of these damn clothesand moving on. the longest stretch of biking:

BABY GOT BACK: Located at Golds Gym on Park Center and Apple: Take 15 minute dance class and recite dance for teachers. If you learned it and were able to do it, pass. They took more pictures of my team here than anywhere else.  hilariousCHECK. 3 Strong Cheeses and one more REDBULL shot later, we were another puzzle piece in hand and on our way to the finish.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL: *Final Challenge: Team runs through blow-up obstacle course, climbs a rock wall and together has to do 250 push ups and 250 sit ups. F that. Angry grumpy drill Sergent  man was not having my ‘girlie’ pushups. Not only were we exhausted and sore, but by this time I was hungrier than ever and the redbull+mimosa was not working in my guts. This took us longer than anything. but we completed it, put our puzzle together and clocked out in 3:54:54. AWESOME! HURRAY! Food Tent…

All in all, it was harder than anticipated and whooped my ass but I would totally do it again next year. So fun, just need to be better prepared. Sports Bra- YES. Not Cruiser Bike- YES. Snacks and less redbull- YES.  Pictures to come…

The following piece of conversation is from that which I had with Karen, the lovely yet incompetent  worker of the US Census Bureau who called me yesterday.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Yes my name is Karen and I work for the United States Census Bureau. By law…blah blah blah… you are obligated to answer the following questions…blah blah blah…your form…did you? blah”

“I filled out a Census form, yes…”

“Yes, I have that information. We have some questions for you. By law…blah blah…you have to listen…legally… and answer truthfully. Can you verify that this is the May residence?”

“Yes. “

“I just want to make sure you know that a residence can consist of more than 2 people and more than 1 last name?  Are you sure you lived at the listed address and can you confirm the spelling of your name? This spelling I have starts with a ‘K’..?”

“I lived at the address, yes. There were no other Mays there, so call it what you want but I lived there. And the name on my form starts with a ‘K’ because I spell my name with a K…”

… a million questions later I get this one…

“Did you have any children, or  house any individuals with out another home at this time?”

“No…”

“Are you sure you didn’t have a child, new or adopted, anytime prior to April 1st?”

“Yes I am sure. I haven’t had a kid.”

“You could have actually birthed the child or had one stay with you for an extended period of time. Are you certain-”

“Would you be certain if you had a kid? I didn’t have one…”

“Fine. Now, are you sure there wasn’t anyone else you have not mentioned staying with you temporarily or permanently who did not have another place of residence-”

“No one lived there but me and my roommates. We all received individual Census forms, filled them out claiming ourselves like it said to do, and mailed them in!”

“You had roommates? I see them listed as living at this address, but you did not say that earlier. We need an accurate count of everyone living…”

“What? yes, I understand the point of the Census. If you see the people listed as living there, we did what we were supposed to do. I am certain I did not birth a child, I did not secretly house the homeless and everyone at that address claimed themselves like the form said to do. You really don’t need to ask me these questions.”

“Were you in a group home or jail for any amount of time?”

“NO! I only lived there.”

“No amount of time?…By law you have to admit if you were…”

“I wasn’t. Next Question.”

By this time I am really annoyed, and trying to work. This shit carried on for a half hour!

“Are you in the Military and/or away due to Military involvement for any extended period of time?”

“No.”

“Living on a college campus or living at another residence?”

“NO. I only lived there, you are missing that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I am sure. I didn’t forget last year. I answered all those things on my form. Honestly you are wasting my time.”

Right about this time I stopped listening. After she continued on for a while, she finally announced last question: I answered NO- (“Did you fill any other census form under a different name?”)- and hung up. Done for 10 years.

Holy Hell.

A Story of Friendship:

The mirror and the scale are telling me conflicting stories right now.

@StinaMFKing Stop it. You are 1 person who should NOT own a scale…

@karleemay I’m pleased with the scale… The mirror however, is on my shit list.

@StinaMFKing I will take the 7 years of bad luck and break it for you. #Friends

@karleemay you’re a good friend. Great even.

This is how I picture it @StinaMFKing :

Now THIS is friendship! RT @karleemay: This is how I picture it @StinaMFKing http://twitpic.com/1nhnsy

@StinaMFKing @ejhildreth @EatsShootsEdits I also somehow portrayed myself as a giant.