The following piece of conversation is from that which I had with Karen, the lovely yet incompetent worker of the US Census Bureau who called me yesterday.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Yes my name is Karen and I work for the United States Census Bureau. By law…blah blah blah… you are obligated to answer the following questions…blah blah blah…your form…did you? blah”
“I filled out a Census form, yes…”
“Yes, I have that information. We have some questions for you. By law…blah blah…you have to listen…legally… and answer truthfully. Can you verify that this is the May residence?”
“Yes. “
“I just want to make sure you know that a residence can consist of more than 2 people and more than 1 last name? Are you sure you lived at the listed address and can you confirm the spelling of your name? This spelling I have starts with a ‘K’..?”
“I lived at the address, yes. There were no other Mays there, so call it what you want but I lived there. And the name on my form starts with a ‘K’ because I spell my name with a K…”
… a million questions later I get this one…
“Did you have any children, or house any individuals with out another home at this time?”
“No…”
“Are you sure you didn’t have a child, new or adopted, anytime prior to April 1st?”
“Yes I am sure. I haven’t had a kid.”
“You could have actually birthed the child or had one stay with you for an extended period of time. Are you certain-”
“Would you be certain if you had a kid? I didn’t have one…”
“Fine. Now, are you sure there wasn’t anyone else you have not mentioned staying with you temporarily or permanently who did not have another place of residence-”
“No one lived there but me and my roommates. We all received individual Census forms, filled them out claiming ourselves like it said to do, and mailed them in!”
“You had roommates? I see them listed as living at this address, but you did not say that earlier. We need an accurate count of everyone living…”
“What? yes, I understand the point of the Census. If you see the people listed as living there, we did what we were supposed to do. I am certain I did not birth a child, I did not secretly house the homeless and everyone at that address claimed themselves like the form said to do. You really don’t need to ask me these questions.”
“Were you in a group home or jail for any amount of time?”
“NO! I only lived there.”
“No amount of time?…By law you have to admit if you were…”
“I wasn’t. Next Question.”
By this time I am really annoyed, and trying to work. This shit carried on for a half hour!
“Are you in the Military and/or away due to Military involvement for any extended period of time?”
“No.”
“Living on a college campus or living at another residence?”
“NO. I only lived there, you are missing that.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I am sure. I didn’t forget last year. I answered all those things on my form. Honestly you are wasting my time.”
Right about this time I stopped listening. After she continued on for a while, she finally announced last question: I answered NO- (“Did you fill any other census form under a different name?”)- and hung up. Done for 10 years.
Holy Hell.
